Monday, 25 July 2011

Why do we get married? (Requested)

I know this seems like I want to talk about the Tyler Perry Movie LOL
Nah! I tried to gather the different reasons that make people consider the subject of marriage. This is what this post is about, the essence of marriage.  I was reading through my old posts, and I came across this one ---> Would you like to wear that ring?
The part where Mr Ayo wanted me to talk about the essence of marriage struck me. I don't know why I tried to chicken out(don't mind me, I can be a little laid back sometimes). I noticed that I said I couldn't talk about it because I wasn't married. Well truth is, I might not be well equipped to talk about it (lack of experience) but I'm sure I can say a couple of stuffs about it too. I don't know why he wanted this, but I sure will grant his request.
Here it is, and I hope it's not too late :)

We all know some people dread it, they don't even want to hear about it, whereas, some others look forward to the day their greatest desire will come to manifestation.
But what fosters this desire?
Here are some of the points I tried to pen down:
1. Social status
2. Procreation
3. Mental conditioning
4. Societal pressure
5.Religious or cultural backings
6. Copulation
7. Sense of belonging
8. Security - e.g emotional, financial...
9. Economic reasons
10. Love
And of course there are those that do not even have an idea at all. (yea it happens)

 So at the end of the day, I've come to the conclusion that love is very essential for marriage to work.
Though love is not enough, but love is very essential. It doesn't matter the reason for you wanting to be married; convenience, procreation, companionship or whatever, just make sure that you are married to someone that you truly love and that love is mutual. That's what will keep you away from cheating, or waking up one day and wanting to just stay unmarried or worst, slicing the person like a piece of cheap meat!
(Note: very gruesome pictures when you click the link, continue only if you don't mind)

Now this is a clear illustration of "it's better to stay unmarried than to dwell in a bad one" (Geez people freak me the hell out!) Pheww maybe this was actually the inspiration I needed. Because right now, I feel like everybody needs to just sit down and think about why marriage is so important to them. It's more like we should put it like "marriage or life, which would you rather?" Of course I'm talking about those that try to make it seem like it's a do or die affair.
I actually want to get married someday, maybe it's out of curiosity I'm not sure yet. I just want to know how it would feel to meet that person that will make you want to just get married. Apart from that, I feel like marriage has got to be the most overrated topic after sex and love. But most importantly, I always feel like I'm not ready.

I hear people say "Marriage is a 50/50 thing". Well I'll say that's why most marriages fail. When you go with the mind set of giving 50 so you can take away 50, it won't work. If you decide to get married to take away whatever you want to take, it'll never work. That's where a lot of people miss it. If the parties involved decide on their own to give more than 50%. At least 75%  because you've decided to go the extra mile to help your partner out with their 25% , that is one built on love and concern for each other. It is very wrong to go with the mindset of having a need fulfilled, I think a better approach is to go with the aim of offering something to someone you think deserves it, and hopefully you find someone that has the same mindset. That's true love, that's what marriage should be about, companionship. 2 people coming together to see themselves as one.  That's the kind that will last, the one where everybody is working hard to take the burden of each other's shoulder and they will never forget to appreciate every show of love. It's not about your needs, it's about wanting to take the responsibility off the one you've chosen. Real love gives, it doesn't care about what is there to lose or take.
Let me finish this with this favourite phrase of mine "For God so loved the world, that he GAVE". John 3.16...Every christian knows this verse. It's one of my best. It shows the relationship between love and giving. For me I always try to relate marriage with this verse. Selfless love - that is the essence of marriage.

P.s.  If you think I'm leaving behind any point, please leave it as a comment. Your input will be well appreciated. And also if you'd like me to break down the points a little bit more, let me know. It'll be my pleasure. I thought they were pretty explanatory that's why I didn't elaborate more on them, but of course I might be wrong.


  1. "Though love is not enough, but love is very essential." I like that statement a lot. Love might be a good reason to GET married, but it's never reason enough to sustain it, I believe contentment is what makes a marriage last.

  2. wow wow wow,you are so right dear but I don't think it's love that keeps a man from cheating on his partner or vice versa,I think it's self-discipline and the fear of God,do I have to expantiate?lol,a friend of mine loves his wife so much but mehnnn,one arse isn't enough for him,he would do anything for her,anythinggg butttt.
    You rock gurl.

  3. I really liked 'I hear people say "Marriage is a 50/50 thing". Well I'll say that's why most marriages fail'

    You cant give or take equally. Sometimes, one is giving more and the other taking varies.

    The decision to get married should not be taken lightly. In all honesty, I never thought I would get married....even my friends are surprised that I have one of the strongest marriages. I thought marriage would be a bore because a lot of the women around me seemed to lose soooo much of themselves when they got married.

    The main reason I married my husband was because he did not try to change me. I describe myself as stubborn, hardworking and no-nonsense. He accepts this and balances me out. Indeed, he reins in my excesses.

    Marriage gets a bad rep because people make a mockery of the whole union. However, nothing beats having a partner who always has your back, shares you dreams and has the right words when you're down.

    Yes, love is important but not as important as respect. Love is not constant, respect should always be constant.

    i don too talk LOL. Great post. Stay blessed

  4. the M word has become more scary to me these days, just so many sad stories and a very few to look up to! it seems almost impossible that 2 pple can stay together and make it work, i find myself pushing the thought away often even though i know it is time i began to face it.
    nice read JB, thanks for always sharing :)

  5. Love is definitely not enough....#cosign, but it is essential.

  6. You were spot on. Marriage is not 50/50 thing but each party should give 100% to ensure success. Love is essential, respect is important but being selfless is basic. Selfishness is the basis of most failed or sick marriages.

    We need to address, what level of preparation necessary for someone looking for who to marry?


  7. The truth is that from my own experience of marriage, it is not something you can theorise like many people always try to do. What works for one party may not necessarily work for another. Couples need to decide what works best for their own circumstances and stick to it. This whole talk about a one size fits all approach is rather naive in my opinion.

    For example I and my wife operate a joint account where our salaries are paid into (even though I'm the higher earner). We are very open in how we spend money and that has so far worked well for us. But does it mean it will work for other people? Not really and I wouldn't use that as a basis to tell others how best to run their finances just because it is working for us.

    We should also remember people's circumstances vary in different ways. How individuals respond and adapt to change in circumstances, which marriage inevitably brings differ. For example when we had our first child, then money was a bit tight and I was going through a professional training at the time. Sometimes my wife understood my situation, sometimes she was overwhelmed of being a mother for the first time and lead to a bit of tension which we got through in the end but we became stronger for it. Sometimes when we look back especially now we have a second child we laugh over our past experience because we're now more mature couple and parents.

    The other point I would like to make is that sometimes people are a bit carried away to think that their husband or wife would change after marriage, no they won't. If your husband was a womaniser before you got married, chances are that he will still go after women. If your wife was a nag before you married her, then don't expect her to change any time soon. This is not to say people cannot give up perceived bad behaviour for the good of their marriage. They can, but remember the saying that old habits die hard. Love, to me means accepting people for who they are, both good and bad habits and human beings have a fair share of both.

    The bottomline of what I'm trying to get across is that when it comes to marriage, it's different strokes for different folks. More importantly is the fact that marriage is an institution even bigger than the individuals that are involved. We need to go back and understand God's original plan for marriage, roles, responsibilities etc.

  8. True! You have to be ready to give a 100%. But it still won't work unless the other person is giving 100% too

    Muse Origins (Creative Nigerian Features)
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  9. Also, I think love is not enough reason to get married,other things play a role. It sure is essential but doesnt guarantee a successful marriage..I believe its the revelation that God gives you concerning your partner that will sustain it. Else its selfless love from both parties which I think is kinda rare. hey! I'm just saying, lemme reach there first :)

  10. very well said..I have a friend now who is sooo scared of marrying now cos once she sees any thing marry she goes "you'll marry him now and he'll butcher you later"..
    love is key but it's not always enough..
    and i think most people choose to leave out that seems almost like a trend now..every one is jumping into it..and walking out single..
    God help us all

  11. Great post. You have tried to explain lucidly the need for love in marriages and why most marriages fail. For every marriage to click, there must be GIVING than receiving:) Good to be following you!

  12. Hmmm....and what about the bit of you feeling unready,you glossed over that bit.I'm curious about that one.

  13. P.S gretel is right right on point there.Love is all but mostly fluff and emotions. When it comes to he grind of most of it, it might be self discipline that saves the day. That notwithstanding all the fin points you have made. P.P.S: Thanx4 ur opinion on mine same topic.

  14. I don't think marriage is 50-50, I think it is 100-100.

  15. nice post. I think marriage should be 100-100 like @ilola said. love definitely is essential and not just the eros or phileo love but agape as well. Each person def has to be selfless and show respect to their partner. Also, it's self-discipline/control and the fear of God that keeps a man from cheating and not just love. People need to understand what marriage is about before going into it. you're right about the reasons people go in and its a pity too.marriage as God ordained it is supposed to showcase the way He wants our relationship to Him(Jesus) to be but the word and 'institution' has been abused hence people dont see it as sacred anymore. Its actually supposed to be a beautiful thing. I wont blame people who are scared of getting into it; that's cos they dont understand what it should be about and most people are fearful about their partners changing, etc. But the main thing is to be vigilant about it by really knowing the other person and understanding what the whole thing is about. Lemme stop here

    Thanks for stopping by my blog and following. I'm definitely following too. Will explore more of your posts too with time.: )

  16. With the fear of God in us...we will be able to stop ourselves from doing things that will harm those we love. It also has to do with self discipline and control. Marriage is a life-time we have to be careful and wise in the matter. Putting it in prayer will help make out decision easier.

    Thanks for sharing this.

  17. Interesting post. There are many reasons why people get married and you have pointed out the most common ones I believe...
    There are reasons which may not be so great like a person getting married to someone so they can get a green card...sad but it happens.
    I pray when I marry it will be for love above all else...and because it is God's perfect will for me. :)

  18. I totally agree with Naija 4 life

  19. Thanks everyone for reading and leaving your reviews. Greatly appreciated!

  20. Great post! Yep, it's really about give and give and give some more (from both parties o). I'm learning fast. If a person isn't ready to give more than they will get in return, they shouldn't think about marriage. It's work! Lol. And it's still early days for me.

    I agree with Naija4life. What works for one couple may not work for me and vice versa.


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